Stress & Strain

    It's always comforting to know that others think you're as good as you think you are. Here's an excerpt we came across in a book entitled "Toolies: the official handbook of engineers and applied scientists" by Stephen E. Clark, which pokes fun at us hard science people (trivial) and does it with style (not trivial). In a ranking of "Tool Schools that look like excellent all-round schools", Cornell came in first place:

1. Cornell University
Ithaca, New York
Private, Founded 1865
    Cornell is truly one of the nation's finest all around universities. Of Cornell's several schools, its engineering school is reported to offer the most intense academic pressures. (This report, of course, comes most frequently from Cornell's toolies.) Cornell has more buildings (four hundred) than a lot of schools have computer terminals. Cornell is one of four Ivy League schools included in the top ten all-around tool schools. Eighteen percent of Cornell's students are engineering students. Ninety percent of students graduate in the top fifth of their high school class and about 94 percent score over 600 on the math SAT. Through surrounded by a striking campus, Cornell toolies are rarely distracted from their studies, as the four seasons (rain, drizzle, slush and snow) offer little incentive to go outdoors.

(Maybe the stats need revising, but the weather certainly hasn't changed)

    Ever get the sneaking suspicion that all the problem sets you do have little connection with or bearing on the "real world"? Well, you're right! But they're good for your brain, and required in worship of the unholy god of the GPA, so stick with 'em. From the "Toolies" book, here's a few approximations that your professor may not have thought to give you:

    The Real World should not be confused with the Ideal World. I'm not sure exactly why not-but it probably shouldn't. An artsy-craftsy's definition of an Ideal World is a "world in which all men and women-regardless of their race, creed or slogan-live side-by-side (albeit each in his or her own space) in an ecologically balanced, and fiscally responsible, environment." Toolies, on the other hand, would describe an Ideal World as one at standard temperature and pressure (STP) where air friction is negligible and voltage sources are constant. The list below gives a sampling of the many idealizations that toolies use before they start to tackle any toolie problem.

Ideal World Design Aids
...Or "48 assumptions guaranteed to simplify toolie calculations"

1. Negligible AIR FRICTION
2. Infinitely Long BEAM
3. Perfectly Rigid BEAM
4. Weightless BEAM
5. Frictionless BEARING
6. Perfect BLACK BODY
7. Perfectly Flexible CABLE
8. Weightless CABLE
9. Perfect CIRCLE
10. Non-COMPRESSIBLE (anything)
11. Perfect CONDUCTOR
12. CONTINUUM
13. Continuous DISTRIBUTION
14. Perfectly Random DISTRIBUTION
15. 100% EFFICIENCY
16. Perfect ELASTICITY
17. Irrotaional (FLUID) Flow
18. Perfect FLUID
19. Negligible FRICTION
20. Ideal GAS
21. Perfect GAS
22. Zero HEAD LOSS
23. (Perfectly) Reversible HEAT FLOW
24. Perfect HEAT SINK
25. Perfect INELASTICITY
26. Perfect INSULATOR
27. Frictionless Sliding JOINT
28. Frictionless Ball JOINT
29. Frictionless Hinged JOINT
30. Infinitely Long LINE
31. Perfectly Straight LINE
32. All MASS concentrated in center
33. Perfectly Plastic MATERIAL
34. Infinite MASS
35. Negligible MASS
36. Simultaneous OCCURENCES
37. Isothermal PROCESS
38. Perfect REFLECTOR
39. Instantaneous SPEED
40. Steady STATE (anything)
41. Ideal Clamped SUPPORT
42. Continuous SURFACE
43. Frictionless SURFACE
44. Negligible TRANSIENTS
45. 100% TRANSPARENT
46. Weightless TRUSS
47. Absolute VACUUM
48. Constant VOLTAGE SOURCE